Artist? Really? Really??

OK so I had a seriously bad day today. Maybe I had a seriously bad attitude, but lets not jump straight to the solution, I want to live in the problem for about 10 minutes more.

I am sick. I have had a the cold from hell for almost two weeks and just when I thought I was getting better I would head out in my normal Min-pace and wear myself out. I have also be plagued with weird and irritating things that aren't fatal but are just mind-blowing and inconvenient: my laptop and connection to the biz world and my finances died, my car broke down with a fuel gage thingy so I run out of gas at 25% of a tank, my new roof is leaky and weird and I have to choose between a 700-7K fix without a clue as to how to do that. I feel like I am moving ahead, but through a pretty deep pool of tar.

I have a home, food, friends a business, great kids....but I am NOT liking "life on life's terms" today.

Besides feeling that I am conducting my life from the bottom of a pit (I cant hear and everything seems foggy) I have a cough that splits my sides and makes those around me cringe and wish me anywhere but where they are. My Assistant deserves a metal.

As in all good bottoms some things keep coming, I heard today from a boyfriend I have been trying to forget. The one that sent me a link to his new face book account where he is listed in a relationship with a old girl friend. I never got that status when I was dating him. I am so embarrassed to be participating in face book drama, but I am nonetheless. I am NOT pleased with the events of the day. OK to be honest the week.

The grouch and grudge is a dubious luxury or something like that so I need to find some gratitude and suck the ever loving h*** out of it.

I did go to the Doctor. I can afford to do that and I am now into my first round of antibiotics. I will feel better. Pam, my sponsor, tells me I wont always feel that way even that is how I feel now. I am typing on my new laptop so that phase is going away. I have to drive my car to run down some of the gas (because I freaked about not having enough gas) so they can replace the float/gage thing. There is a plan and it will fix the car. I am opting for the cheap fix on the roof and see if that fixes stuff. The BF is in a bad no-where relationship and its pretty sad what we will accept when we feel we are unworthy and I am not there anymore. I actually feel sorry for him and wish him well. I am also proud of myself.

What is really the problem here isn't the events of my life, but the way I approach it. I am a perfectionist. I have a creepy/insane way of trying to "power through" when I feel bad. When I feel sick its kicks off something in my brain that says "you idiot, how can you be sick???" instead of "lie down you fool or you will get worse". All I can think about is what isn't getting done, what people I am letting down...and I am sick of THAT.

I read the other day that perfectionism is insecurity in its highest art form. Man, I hate how right that is. I am a true artist in the medium of guilt and self-abuse. Pam chimes in again with "it just has to be good enough today" and I want to punch her, but part of me relaxes and hears her and knows she is right. I am an artist, and an accomplished one at that, who knew.

Time to change material. Where is my guitar....