I had a great lunch with a friend today and we shared a laugh about how we have struggled with friendships that weren't "making it" for us. Folks weren't going to make the "final cut" into the inner circle of our (mostly, my...) intimates. Inmates.
Intimates...inmates...how interesting. In leads we often hear about someone "taking a hostage" which usually refers to a marriage. Alanon's aren't as innocent as they look, but I still think that phrase applies.
I have been dealing with balance, or lack of, in my relationships. It says in the 4Th step: "The primary fact that we fail to recognize is our total inability to form a true partnership with another human being." Decidedly harsh, but pretty accurate. I am thinking that this is no easy task for anyone. It goes on to describe: "Either we insist on dominating the people we know, or we depend upon them far too much."
This has to be more common than just addicts, we just have a magnifying glass on our relationships and man can those babies burn. I have been practicing just being friend among friends, one in the crowd. NOT sexy, but it has a calm and a peace that is very nice.
When I don't try to drive relationships I do find that I have more peace. I also seem to have fewer folks I want to hang with. Those relationships where I was the more dominant wear me out, those where I was more needy just annoy me. There will be fall out here. I guess that is ok. It is what it is.
My friend says that she lacks patience for the really unbalanced relationships. So she doesn't have many. I always thought I was impatient, but perhaps I have more than I should in this area. So how do you handle this? How to practice discernment and not judgement. I don't need to become for judgmental just more attentive to the "true partnership" whatever that means.
So back to the final cut...how do you decide?
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Artist? Really? Really??
OK so I had a seriously bad day today. Maybe I had a seriously bad attitude, but lets not jump straight to the solution, I want to live in the problem for about 10 minutes more.
I am sick. I have had a the cold from hell for almost two weeks and just when I thought I was getting better I would head out in my normal Min-pace and wear myself out. I have also be plagued with weird and irritating things that aren't fatal but are just mind-blowing and inconvenient: my laptop and connection to the biz world and my finances died, my car broke down with a fuel gage thingy so I run out of gas at 25% of a tank, my new roof is leaky and weird and I have to choose between a 700-7K fix without a clue as to how to do that. I feel like I am moving ahead, but through a pretty deep pool of tar.
I have a home, food, friends a business, great kids....but I am NOT liking "life on life's terms" today.
Besides feeling that I am conducting my life from the bottom of a pit (I cant hear and everything seems foggy) I have a cough that splits my sides and makes those around me cringe and wish me anywhere but where they are. My Assistant deserves a metal.
As in all good bottoms some things keep coming, I heard today from a boyfriend I have been trying to forget. The one that sent me a link to his new face book account where he is listed in a relationship with a old girl friend. I never got that status when I was dating him. I am so embarrassed to be participating in face book drama, but I am nonetheless. I am NOT pleased with the events of the day. OK to be honest the week.
The grouch and grudge is a dubious luxury or something like that so I need to find some gratitude and suck the ever loving h*** out of it.
I did go to the Doctor. I can afford to do that and I am now into my first round of antibiotics. I will feel better. Pam, my sponsor, tells me I wont always feel that way even that is how I feel now. I am typing on my new laptop so that phase is going away. I have to drive my car to run down some of the gas (because I freaked about not having enough gas) so they can replace the float/gage thing. There is a plan and it will fix the car. I am opting for the cheap fix on the roof and see if that fixes stuff. The BF is in a bad no-where relationship and its pretty sad what we will accept when we feel we are unworthy and I am not there anymore. I actually feel sorry for him and wish him well. I am also proud of myself.
What is really the problem here isn't the events of my life, but the way I approach it. I am a perfectionist. I have a creepy/insane way of trying to "power through" when I feel bad. When I feel sick its kicks off something in my brain that says "you idiot, how can you be sick???" instead of "lie down you fool or you will get worse". All I can think about is what isn't getting done, what people I am letting down...and I am sick of THAT.
I read the other day that perfectionism is insecurity in its highest art form. Man, I hate how right that is. I am a true artist in the medium of guilt and self-abuse. Pam chimes in again with "it just has to be good enough today" and I want to punch her, but part of me relaxes and hears her and knows she is right. I am an artist, and an accomplished one at that, who knew.
Time to change material. Where is my guitar....
I am sick. I have had a the cold from hell for almost two weeks and just when I thought I was getting better I would head out in my normal Min-pace and wear myself out. I have also be plagued with weird and irritating things that aren't fatal but are just mind-blowing and inconvenient: my laptop and connection to the biz world and my finances died, my car broke down with a fuel gage thingy so I run out of gas at 25% of a tank, my new roof is leaky and weird and I have to choose between a 700-7K fix without a clue as to how to do that. I feel like I am moving ahead, but through a pretty deep pool of tar.
I have a home, food, friends a business, great kids....but I am NOT liking "life on life's terms" today.
Besides feeling that I am conducting my life from the bottom of a pit (I cant hear and everything seems foggy) I have a cough that splits my sides and makes those around me cringe and wish me anywhere but where they are. My Assistant deserves a metal.
As in all good bottoms some things keep coming, I heard today from a boyfriend I have been trying to forget. The one that sent me a link to his new face book account where he is listed in a relationship with a old girl friend. I never got that status when I was dating him. I am so embarrassed to be participating in face book drama, but I am nonetheless. I am NOT pleased with the events of the day. OK to be honest the week.
The grouch and grudge is a dubious luxury or something like that so I need to find some gratitude and suck the ever loving h*** out of it.
I did go to the Doctor. I can afford to do that and I am now into my first round of antibiotics. I will feel better. Pam, my sponsor, tells me I wont always feel that way even that is how I feel now. I am typing on my new laptop so that phase is going away. I have to drive my car to run down some of the gas (because I freaked about not having enough gas) so they can replace the float/gage thing. There is a plan and it will fix the car. I am opting for the cheap fix on the roof and see if that fixes stuff. The BF is in a bad no-where relationship and its pretty sad what we will accept when we feel we are unworthy and I am not there anymore. I actually feel sorry for him and wish him well. I am also proud of myself.
What is really the problem here isn't the events of my life, but the way I approach it. I am a perfectionist. I have a creepy/insane way of trying to "power through" when I feel bad. When I feel sick its kicks off something in my brain that says "you idiot, how can you be sick???" instead of "lie down you fool or you will get worse". All I can think about is what isn't getting done, what people I am letting down...and I am sick of THAT.
I read the other day that perfectionism is insecurity in its highest art form. Man, I hate how right that is. I am a true artist in the medium of guilt and self-abuse. Pam chimes in again with "it just has to be good enough today" and I want to punch her, but part of me relaxes and hears her and knows she is right. I am an artist, and an accomplished one at that, who knew.
Time to change material. Where is my guitar....
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Time to Correct
I am learning to fly. Literally. I took my first flying lesson this weekend and it was incredible. We flew over farms west of Columbus. My instructor who looks about 18, but is probably older was very encouraging and kind. He is a good teacher.
This lesson had been planned for over 2 months, but weather had cancelled very previous lesson scheduled. On the 4th cancellation the guy at the flight schools just said "Welcome to avionics". Welcome to the worst February on record for snowfall and general bleakness.
On Saturday I was actually doing the "check list" in the Cessna with my young mentor and getting a bit overwhelmed by the instruments and procedure. I am an alcoholic so I am not only unused to following directions and procedure, I have made ignoring them an art form. The surest way to get this alcoholic to do anything is to tell her NOT to do something. The first lesson that God seems to be giving me in all this is that I will have to learn to follow directions or bad things will happen at 3K feet. Following instructions, check.
We taxi down the run way. Who knew you drive planes with your feet ( ok everyone but me). I adjust but I look like I am driving drunk and I do know about that sadly. We do a final checklist (there are three sets at least) and we are up. It was worth the wait. My instructor is calmly and reassuringly showing me how the plane maneuvers and how the parts of the plane we have just reviewed work to make a graceful movement in the air. It is beautiful. This is my first flight and this is light and fluffy. I got this.
Chris, which is his name, then says in my ear (headset) "OK, I think you are ready to try a stall." My mouth goes dry. I explain that on my first flight I had no expectation of having to learn anything really and that seems unnecessarily scary. I am sure he said something but "Naw, come on" what what I heard. He began to prep me for the stall. "Losing power and beginning to fall is the worst thing that can happen in a plane" he tells me. I agree and begin to argue again. "Once you experience that, you will never be afraid in a plane".
Right.
I warn him that I will scream and behave badly, but be laughs and reminds me it is like a roller coaster. Didn't I say I liked those? Stupid of me and completely different from what we are doing today I am prepared to argue when he puts down the flaps and begins to throttle down the engine.
In about 30 seconds the warning sound comes (its like a dying bird sound so its not really an alarm or a buzzer) and the nose begins to drop. He shows me how to look at how fast we are dropping and encourages me to keep the nose up as I can. I hold my breath and pull back on the yoke. The decent isn't steep(I do think he took it easy on me) and he shows me how to hold it while he shows me to throttle back up and get the plane back on track. He said "you need to learn that you have time to correct" . You can recover. You have time.
I need to hear that in my life all the time. Knee-jerk reactions in my life are so commonplace that I thought of them as decisive and powerful. They are anything but that. They are fear-based and based on only partial, often superficial, knowledge. I had pride in that ability. Like most things in my inventories it does have a positive side. Being reactive isn't bad, it just isn't always necessary and isn't always helpful.
Chris told me that in flying you have to do small corrections and see how they go. Large knee-jerks, while they may have their place, don't seem to have much value in flight school. I have my doubts about their value in general, but the jury is still out. So I am brushing up my checklists, following instructions and remembering I have time to correct. Thank God.
And thanks Chris.
This lesson had been planned for over 2 months, but weather had cancelled very previous lesson scheduled. On the 4th cancellation the guy at the flight schools just said "Welcome to avionics". Welcome to the worst February on record for snowfall and general bleakness.
On Saturday I was actually doing the "check list" in the Cessna with my young mentor and getting a bit overwhelmed by the instruments and procedure. I am an alcoholic so I am not only unused to following directions and procedure, I have made ignoring them an art form. The surest way to get this alcoholic to do anything is to tell her NOT to do something. The first lesson that God seems to be giving me in all this is that I will have to learn to follow directions or bad things will happen at 3K feet. Following instructions, check.
We taxi down the run way. Who knew you drive planes with your feet ( ok everyone but me). I adjust but I look like I am driving drunk and I do know about that sadly. We do a final checklist (there are three sets at least) and we are up. It was worth the wait. My instructor is calmly and reassuringly showing me how the plane maneuvers and how the parts of the plane we have just reviewed work to make a graceful movement in the air. It is beautiful. This is my first flight and this is light and fluffy. I got this.
Chris, which is his name, then says in my ear (headset) "OK, I think you are ready to try a stall." My mouth goes dry. I explain that on my first flight I had no expectation of having to learn anything really and that seems unnecessarily scary. I am sure he said something but "Naw, come on" what what I heard. He began to prep me for the stall. "Losing power and beginning to fall is the worst thing that can happen in a plane" he tells me. I agree and begin to argue again. "Once you experience that, you will never be afraid in a plane".
Right.
I warn him that I will scream and behave badly, but be laughs and reminds me it is like a roller coaster. Didn't I say I liked those? Stupid of me and completely different from what we are doing today I am prepared to argue when he puts down the flaps and begins to throttle down the engine.
In about 30 seconds the warning sound comes (its like a dying bird sound so its not really an alarm or a buzzer) and the nose begins to drop. He shows me how to look at how fast we are dropping and encourages me to keep the nose up as I can. I hold my breath and pull back on the yoke. The decent isn't steep(I do think he took it easy on me) and he shows me how to hold it while he shows me to throttle back up and get the plane back on track. He said "you need to learn that you have time to correct" . You can recover. You have time.
I need to hear that in my life all the time. Knee-jerk reactions in my life are so commonplace that I thought of them as decisive and powerful. They are anything but that. They are fear-based and based on only partial, often superficial, knowledge. I had pride in that ability. Like most things in my inventories it does have a positive side. Being reactive isn't bad, it just isn't always necessary and isn't always helpful.
Chris told me that in flying you have to do small corrections and see how they go. Large knee-jerks, while they may have their place, don't seem to have much value in flight school. I have my doubts about their value in general, but the jury is still out. So I am brushing up my checklists, following instructions and remembering I have time to correct. Thank God.
And thanks Chris.
So I am really joinging the blogging world...
I am sure I am late to this trend and probably there is now a new and more hip way of putting your stories in the world, but I never was on trend.
I am an alcoholic and today I am happy to be able to put "recovering" in front. But my recovery is more than not drinking so that "recovering" part can be sketchy at times. My sobriety date is 9/24/2008, which is not long in my opinion. I am not knocking it, just being realistic. I have abused myself alot longer than I have been clean.
I am starting this blog because I have alot of things that have happened to me in this short period of "clean" that are truly remarkable and show the strength and beauty of my Higher Power whom I know to be God. I am in sales and from a line of sales people so I can tell a story and am compelled to put some good news stories out there. Lord knows I have put some bad ones out there and perhaps in 100 years I can achieve balance.
I just finished a wonderful book by Beth Moore on female insecurity. Although I do not always see eye to eye with fundamental Christians I thought this lady was on target for me. She showed me a scripture passage that she suggested as a mantra for women to hold onto in this difficult world that God clothes us with "strength and dignity" and I am working to hold on to that as my natural state inside my head is to clothe me in reaction and facade. Most people who know me do not have that experience of me, but there are a few unfortunates mostly lovers and very close friends who are in the know.
I truly want to have God remove my insecurity as it feeds most of the bad behavior I do and so destroys most of the relationships that have meant something to me. It also was used by my addiction to keep me self-medicating far after it was clear it was causing me more harm.
I am experiencing amazing "ah ha" moments in this time of my life and I hope they mean something to someone besides me. I am afraid of sounding like a Bible thumper or Big Book thumper, but I am also very afraid not to give the glory to a saving Lord who is so generously working in my life. Its a "under the bushel" kind of thing and I have never been one to shrink from the spotlight.
So enjoy...let me know how your journey's are going...
I am an alcoholic and today I am happy to be able to put "recovering" in front. But my recovery is more than not drinking so that "recovering" part can be sketchy at times. My sobriety date is 9/24/2008, which is not long in my opinion. I am not knocking it, just being realistic. I have abused myself alot longer than I have been clean.
I am starting this blog because I have alot of things that have happened to me in this short period of "clean" that are truly remarkable and show the strength and beauty of my Higher Power whom I know to be God. I am in sales and from a line of sales people so I can tell a story and am compelled to put some good news stories out there. Lord knows I have put some bad ones out there and perhaps in 100 years I can achieve balance.
I just finished a wonderful book by Beth Moore on female insecurity. Although I do not always see eye to eye with fundamental Christians I thought this lady was on target for me. She showed me a scripture passage that she suggested as a mantra for women to hold onto in this difficult world that God clothes us with "strength and dignity" and I am working to hold on to that as my natural state inside my head is to clothe me in reaction and facade. Most people who know me do not have that experience of me, but there are a few unfortunates mostly lovers and very close friends who are in the know.
I truly want to have God remove my insecurity as it feeds most of the bad behavior I do and so destroys most of the relationships that have meant something to me. It also was used by my addiction to keep me self-medicating far after it was clear it was causing me more harm.
I am experiencing amazing "ah ha" moments in this time of my life and I hope they mean something to someone besides me. I am afraid of sounding like a Bible thumper or Big Book thumper, but I am also very afraid not to give the glory to a saving Lord who is so generously working in my life. Its a "under the bushel" kind of thing and I have never been one to shrink from the spotlight.
So enjoy...let me know how your journey's are going...
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