Just Stop it

I am worn out today. It was a day of alot of running around and not so much actual things accomplished. I find I need to change what I think "accomplishing" is because I think I did some real good living today.



My day started taking my son and two of his friends to a park. I was just the ride, but I got to enjoy a beautiful spring day and an opportunity to be with my son who is about to leave for college next year. I rushed to work after and did a fly-by my assistant's desk with plans for the afternoon. I prepped for a conference call, made several phone calls and then made it to a 12pm meeting. I picked up said son and brought him back to the house to meet up with his Dad and went back to work. I finished my calls and prep work and left for dinner with a new friend.



I had a great dinner with a pal and found out (as I always do) that I am NOT that unique. I am looking forward to growing that friendship. I went to another meeting and met my obligations to a meeting and a sponsee. I came home and had a brief talk with son number 2 and made some plans with him I am tired and about to get enough sleep.



So why do I feel like I didn't do enough today? I two sets of plans fall through, but doesn't explain the deep sense of disappointment in myself. Apparently anything short of world peace isn't enough. So again:

• Children love me and I spent nice time with them and their friends


• Business obligations were met and met well


• Assistant was attended to and communicated with fairly well


• Friendships were nurtured


• Disappointments were met with grace and understanding


• Community obligations were met as promised

They say that being overly hard on yourself is a form of pride in reverse. By condemning everything you do you never really have to do anything...it is the underside of being grandiose. Lordy...again with the extremes.

My friend Pat has a great clip she sent me of Bob Newhart. I wish I could figure out how to link it here, but that doesnt seem to be... check it out on youtube, search on "Mad TV Bob Newhart STOP it". So fitting.

OK, I will just STOP.

Final Cut

I had a great lunch with a friend today and we shared a laugh about how we have struggled with friendships that weren't "making it" for us. Folks weren't going to make the "final cut" into the inner circle of our (mostly, my...) intimates. Inmates.

Intimates...inmates...how interesting. In leads we often hear about someone "taking a hostage" which usually refers to a marriage. Alanon's aren't as innocent as they look, but I still think that phrase applies.

I have been dealing with balance, or lack of, in my relationships. It says in the 4Th step: "The primary fact that we fail to recognize is our total inability to form a true partnership with another human being." Decidedly harsh, but pretty accurate. I am thinking that this is no easy task for anyone. It goes on to describe: "Either we insist on dominating the people we know, or we depend upon them far too much."

This has to be more common than just addicts, we just have a magnifying glass on our relationships and man can those babies burn. I have been practicing just being friend among friends, one in the crowd. NOT sexy, but it has a calm and a peace that is very nice.

When I don't try to drive relationships I do find that I have more peace. I also seem to have fewer folks I want to hang with. Those relationships where I was the more dominant wear me out, those where I was more needy just annoy me. There will be fall out here. I guess that is ok. It is what it is.

My friend says that she lacks patience for the really unbalanced relationships. So she doesn't have many. I always thought I was impatient, but perhaps I have more than I should in this area. So how do you handle this? How to practice discernment and not judgement. I don't need to become for judgmental just more attentive to the "true partnership" whatever that means.

So back to the final cut...how do you decide?

So I am really joinging the blogging world...

I am sure I am late to this trend and probably there is now a new and more hip way of putting your stories in the world, but I never was on trend.

I am an alcoholic and today I am happy to be able to put "recovering" in front. But my recovery is more than not drinking so that "recovering" part can be sketchy at times. My sobriety date is 9/24/2008, which is not long in my opinion. I am not knocking it, just being realistic. I have abused myself alot longer than I have been clean.

I am starting this blog because I have alot of things that have happened to me in this short period of "clean" that are truly remarkable and show the strength and beauty of my Higher Power whom I know to be God. I am in sales and from a line of sales people so I can tell a story and am compelled to put some good news stories out there. Lord knows I have put some bad ones out there and perhaps in 100 years I can achieve balance.

I just finished a wonderful book by Beth Moore on female insecurity. Although I do not always see eye to eye with fundamental Christians I thought this lady was on target for me. She showed me a scripture passage that she suggested as a mantra for women to hold onto in this difficult world that God clothes us with "strength and dignity" and I am working to hold on to that as my natural state inside my head is to clothe me in reaction and facade. Most people who know me do not have that experience of me, but there are a few unfortunates mostly lovers and very close friends who are in the know.

I truly want to have God remove my insecurity as it feeds most of the bad behavior I do and so destroys most of the relationships that have meant something to me. It also was used by my addiction to keep me self-medicating far after it was clear it was causing me more harm.

I am experiencing amazing "ah ha" moments in this time of my life and I hope they mean something to someone besides me. I am afraid of sounding like a Bible thumper or Big Book thumper, but I am also very afraid not to give the glory to a saving Lord who is so generously working in my life. Its a "under the bushel" kind of thing and I have never been one to shrink from the spotlight.

So enjoy...let me know how your journey's are going...