The best lie

My sponsor told me yesterday to just deal in the facts of my life. I am finding that trickier than it sounds. Many things I believe about my life are not facts, they are lies. I just read "the best lie is the one that has the most truth". What a great insight.

That line basically sums up the best thinking that I did to get me into rooms of recovery. I am a master at the plausible misery. I have been bumming around on a beautiful Easter day, because I am not happy with 100% of my life and that some in my life are problematic to me. I have reviewed their wrongs, measured their characters and have found them wanting.

I have too much time on my hands. That being said I press on....

I have had a great opportunity lately, thanks to a loving and wise God, to see how people I respect conduct their relationships. They are fraught with communication glitches, over-stepping of boundaries, loss and disappointment. I have been wondering if God is showing me that I don't need a serious relationship now or that all relationships are tough and require a bit of give an take. Perhaps both but I am leaning toward the former.

Here is where the lie comes in and it is a doozy: I am right about what is problematic about my relationships and there are some cases of "he/she done me wrong" and I can hold on to those examples and bury my love and faith. I can personalize it to a situation of never having trust and never loving as fully as I know is possible (even in my limited experience). When I take the step to make it be only about me and the others in my life... that is the lie.

The same wise author said was discussing forgiveness as a part of an Easter series. He said that the major difficulty with folks in recovery is the "decoupling" of forgiveness and consequence. Knowing a few black-belt Alanon's I think he is talking about detachment, but what do I really know. He goes on to say that though we are called for forgive those who hurt us, we are also not obliged to continue on in situations that recreate the opportunity for more hurt. We can forgive the debt without opening our wallet again.

There is a consequence for all hurt caused, whether I do it or someone does it to me. Those areas of pain are a result and a fact. That is not the lie. The sneaky sucker comes in the aftermath as the choices you feel compelled to make based on those facts. I have to think in extremes for it to mean anything to me, so I am thinking of the results of someone who has been beaten in a relationship. The abuse is not the lie. It is fact. It is whether you believe you "deserve it" or "brought it on" which is the lie. Equal to that lie is the belief that you have to "even it up" or "get back". Self-loathing and self-righteousness are two faces of the same lie. Both are rooted in fact.

I had a truly transcending conversation with my son yesterday. I had hurt him and he me. That is the fact. We both had then acted in way to avoid hurt again, but the result was more hurt and misunderstanding. The lie we believed was that we would have to agree with one side or the other for the hurt to be resolved. Someone would win and someone would lose. As the parent I had the inside track, but what a huge price. Neither of us thought we were wrong so the wound was left to fester. The truth is that we can heal the pain of disagreement not by having one side "win" but in understanding the position of love and care that each side represented. It was enough to apologize for the hurt without apologizing for the position. Amazing.

I pray today to be restored to the truth. I do not need to believe any lie, just the "facts of my life today". I am loved, I am safe, I have what I need today (and much more) These are the facts and they are undisputed.