Looking for Mr Gratitude

I got the blues tonight and I am not sure why, but hormones probably are playing a role... I need to do a gratitude list.

I have been so blessed with...

1. beautiful healthy children
2. a "hug" competition with my younger son that ends when someone lets go...so far we are about even.
3. a political discussion with my son that gives me hope for liberals everywhere
4. a night to pay bills and do laundry where I can actually complete both tasks
5. a rich weekend with friends
6. a very nice date on Saturday
7. great step studies and opportunities to grow
8. food, clean air and health
9. be able to be a good sister, daughter, friend and to choosing to do the right thing
10. chocolate
11. honesty paying off
12. emotions as flags and not as drivers
13. Doing God's will rather than mine even when I don't get it
14. Serving b-fast at my home group
15. Being in right relationship with most of my current world
16. Pandora radio and my new speakers
17. meaningful work
18. Capabilities to provide for my family
19. Not being in High Point this month
20. Jack Johnson tickets

Sales Job

I was traveling in Houston,TX for an event that I had helped plan. I was there with my work in sales and was planning on working with the store and customers all weekend. I had traveled before sober, but had a particularly hard time with my travel this time. My spiritual fitness wasnt great.

I fly enough to get routinely upgraded to first class which is full of free flowing booze (and NO dinner) and this was a white knuckle flight for me. I got into town late and checked into my room. I hadnt eaten and needed to get dinner. In the treatment center speak I was in the "Hungry" and "Tired" part of the HALT memory device that tells you to be very cautious of your disease. I was there and it was working on me.

I go to a resturant to eat dinner and the waitress brings over a jug of wine and a crayon. She puts down a water glass (my kind of place) and tells me I am on the "honor" system and with said crayon I am to write down how many drinks I have. I loved this system when I drank. I NEVER had an empty glass because I didnt want you to know how much I drank so I would keep filling my half-drank glass. This was kind of a big glup water glass so it had potential.

I left, cursing my weakness and thinking myself pretty lame after all didnt I have some time in. I did but I was crazy and all that looked pretty good to me despite my knowledge of where drinking had taken me, what it taken from me. I got into the hotel and ordered dinner. I called and bitched to my sponsor as well and went to bed pretty pissed.

The next morning wasnt much better. I woke and prayed as I try to do, but my prayer went something like " ok, ok I am here. I am doing what I am supposed to do. Its a drag. Will you just make it better???!!!!???" It wasnt all that moving. I go down to breakfast. I decide to take my bags to the car first and head to the parking lot.

I put my bags in my rental car and a beat up truck pulled up behind me and a woman who could have been my twin gets out of the cab. I see three pretty nasty men in the truck with her. She is strung out and is scanning me and reading me. I am about to get hustled.

She begins the pitch asking me if I know of a place to stay in town (remember we are in a hotel parking lot). I say I don't and she goes on to tell a tale of a broken down car, a niece in trouble, some issue with the law, but I am not listening I am looking at her. I cannot get over how much she looks like me. She is reading me too, as she sees that I am not responding to much she ups the tragedy in the story-someone is sick and needs her. She is reading me well, she can tell I am not buying it. She watches my eyes, my body asks me questions to engage me. She is a salesperson. The pitch grows and here it comes....she needs $20 and she will pay me back if I tell her where I will be later today.

I didn't mean to but I chuckled. I gave her the $20 and told her she didn't have to live this way. Her face fell as it dawns on her that she may have been able to get more. We both had sales jobs that morning. I am so grateful that mine was to feed and house my children. She was feeding and housing her addiction.

I am so thankful that I have an opportunity to use my talents for the betterment of those I love and my fellows. I was joyous the rest of my trip for the work I had to do and for where I was. It was the answer to my prayer.

The best lie

My sponsor told me yesterday to just deal in the facts of my life. I am finding that trickier than it sounds. Many things I believe about my life are not facts, they are lies. I just read "the best lie is the one that has the most truth". What a great insight.

That line basically sums up the best thinking that I did to get me into rooms of recovery. I am a master at the plausible misery. I have been bumming around on a beautiful Easter day, because I am not happy with 100% of my life and that some in my life are problematic to me. I have reviewed their wrongs, measured their characters and have found them wanting.

I have too much time on my hands. That being said I press on....

I have had a great opportunity lately, thanks to a loving and wise God, to see how people I respect conduct their relationships. They are fraught with communication glitches, over-stepping of boundaries, loss and disappointment. I have been wondering if God is showing me that I don't need a serious relationship now or that all relationships are tough and require a bit of give an take. Perhaps both but I am leaning toward the former.

Here is where the lie comes in and it is a doozy: I am right about what is problematic about my relationships and there are some cases of "he/she done me wrong" and I can hold on to those examples and bury my love and faith. I can personalize it to a situation of never having trust and never loving as fully as I know is possible (even in my limited experience). When I take the step to make it be only about me and the others in my life... that is the lie.

The same wise author said was discussing forgiveness as a part of an Easter series. He said that the major difficulty with folks in recovery is the "decoupling" of forgiveness and consequence. Knowing a few black-belt Alanon's I think he is talking about detachment, but what do I really know. He goes on to say that though we are called for forgive those who hurt us, we are also not obliged to continue on in situations that recreate the opportunity for more hurt. We can forgive the debt without opening our wallet again.

There is a consequence for all hurt caused, whether I do it or someone does it to me. Those areas of pain are a result and a fact. That is not the lie. The sneaky sucker comes in the aftermath as the choices you feel compelled to make based on those facts. I have to think in extremes for it to mean anything to me, so I am thinking of the results of someone who has been beaten in a relationship. The abuse is not the lie. It is fact. It is whether you believe you "deserve it" or "brought it on" which is the lie. Equal to that lie is the belief that you have to "even it up" or "get back". Self-loathing and self-righteousness are two faces of the same lie. Both are rooted in fact.

I had a truly transcending conversation with my son yesterday. I had hurt him and he me. That is the fact. We both had then acted in way to avoid hurt again, but the result was more hurt and misunderstanding. The lie we believed was that we would have to agree with one side or the other for the hurt to be resolved. Someone would win and someone would lose. As the parent I had the inside track, but what a huge price. Neither of us thought we were wrong so the wound was left to fester. The truth is that we can heal the pain of disagreement not by having one side "win" but in understanding the position of love and care that each side represented. It was enough to apologize for the hurt without apologizing for the position. Amazing.

I pray today to be restored to the truth. I do not need to believe any lie, just the "facts of my life today". I am loved, I am safe, I have what I need today (and much more) These are the facts and they are undisputed.

Lemonade

I have a friend/lover who never does what he says. He cannot seem to manage time, meet obligations or even communicate about his inability to do this. He is the king of the text and hide. I am forever doing the insane thing and expecting different behavior...but not tonight. I am sure his intentions are to do what he has promised, but life intervenes and he is caught flatfooted and his close friends pay the price. He usually emerges in about a week with some series of excuses and a puppy dog expression.

I am trying not to be mean, just honest. This is how it is with him. This will never change and he has to move to the second tier of the social circle if he doesn't spin out of orbit on his own.

Tonight after breaking the second "date" in a week, I went about my evening and took up another friend on her invitation to hear a concert. If anyone has the opportunity to hear Trombone Shorty please do it, he was amazing tonight. Hours of terrific jazz and funk by some talented musicians who did show up where they were supposed to be. What a blessing.

I am telling my sponsee's that they cant drink and they have to do what they say they are going to do and to be where they say they are going to be. Not original, I just read it in a blog earlier this year and have been told it over and over again. Integrity makes you whole. It keeps you out of the mud pit and able to look at others with some compassion. Your insides match your outsides and you gain credibility. I haven't always had that. I am realizing what chaos I lived in when I wasn't doing what I promised and making excuses, blaming my failures on others etc. Thank God I don't live there anymore. I do admit I like to visit sometimes.

I was disappointed about the "date", but I am also aware that the experience I was able to have was so far beyond my expectation for the evening that I was lucky my plans didn't go my way. So the other half of the lesson for me was that things do happen for a reason and God had a much better evening planned for me. When I put aside my disappointment, something was able to replace and reshape my experience of the evening. Also an ah-ha moment for me.

So the cliche is that if life gives you lemons make lemonade. I am squeezing...

Just Stop it

I am worn out today. It was a day of alot of running around and not so much actual things accomplished. I find I need to change what I think "accomplishing" is because I think I did some real good living today.



My day started taking my son and two of his friends to a park. I was just the ride, but I got to enjoy a beautiful spring day and an opportunity to be with my son who is about to leave for college next year. I rushed to work after and did a fly-by my assistant's desk with plans for the afternoon. I prepped for a conference call, made several phone calls and then made it to a 12pm meeting. I picked up said son and brought him back to the house to meet up with his Dad and went back to work. I finished my calls and prep work and left for dinner with a new friend.



I had a great dinner with a pal and found out (as I always do) that I am NOT that unique. I am looking forward to growing that friendship. I went to another meeting and met my obligations to a meeting and a sponsee. I came home and had a brief talk with son number 2 and made some plans with him I am tired and about to get enough sleep.



So why do I feel like I didn't do enough today? I two sets of plans fall through, but doesn't explain the deep sense of disappointment in myself. Apparently anything short of world peace isn't enough. So again:

• Children love me and I spent nice time with them and their friends


• Business obligations were met and met well


• Assistant was attended to and communicated with fairly well


• Friendships were nurtured


• Disappointments were met with grace and understanding


• Community obligations were met as promised

They say that being overly hard on yourself is a form of pride in reverse. By condemning everything you do you never really have to do anything...it is the underside of being grandiose. Lordy...again with the extremes.

My friend Pat has a great clip she sent me of Bob Newhart. I wish I could figure out how to link it here, but that doesnt seem to be... check it out on youtube, search on "Mad TV Bob Newhart STOP it". So fitting.

OK, I will just STOP.